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I'm
Here is what happened....My honey and I went to the doctor last Tuesday to hear the baby's heartbeat. I was twelve weeks pregnant according to the calendar. Almost out of my first trimester. There wasn't a heartbeat. So the Dr. did an ultrasound and didn't see anything. He sent me to a different doctor on Wednesday that has high tech machines at a hospital. She did a vaginal ultrasound and found the sac, but it was empty. The baby stopped developing. They estimated the sac to be about eight weeks in size. This happened weeks ago and I didn't even know it. Every night I rubbed my stomach and smiled thinking of the life that was growing inside of me. I was devastated. How I kept breathing is beyond me. So here I sit today, waiting to miscarry what's left of my pregnancy. He'd rather I do it naturally because it's better for my body. Do you know how it upsets me to think at any minutes I will start cramping and bleeding huge blood clots? It should be a private affair, not something that could happen while fixing an attorney's computer or waiting to check out at the store. It hasn't happened yet. I have an appointment to go see him tomorrow at 8:00. If it hasn't happened by then he is going to schedule a D&C. Then it will be over. I hate to say that word right now....over. I have waited what seems like my whole life for one child. Just one. I feel like God is an ass for teasing me. The baby was due on our anniversary. I wonder if on that day I will remember. I wonder if I will cry. At the same time, I feel grateful my husband didn't die. Such a mixed range of emotions. I can hardly stand it. I try to be strong for my husband, and I know he is doing the same for me. He put all of the baby stuff away. He held me while I cried. Today is a new day, and life goes on. So here we go again with the drugs and the marking of the calendar and taking the temperature and so forth. It goes on and on and on and on. My life right now feels like a puzzle which is missing a piece from a set no longer made.
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