|
|
|
|
I'm
I am still not smoking. I had a terrible case of the flu and felt so sick I could hardly stand it. I ended up in the emergency room, which ended my smoking days. I am feeling better but still don't even want a cig at all. I am thrilled. I am back on the fertility drugs. I am a bit confused though. I had my cycle a month ago, then two weeks later, had another two days worth, and now I should be starting again but haven't. I think my cycle is just all messed up. I don't really know what's going on. I took a major step the other day when I was home sick from work. I was watching "When Harry Met Sally". My ex-husband always said that movie reminded him of us. As I was watching it, I decided to get rid of all of the letters and cards he'd ever given me. I had them all in a safe spot in the basement. Every card, from the time we were fifteen on. I even had the calendar I kept when we first "went out" in highschool....back in 1985. I torched them all one by one in the fireplace. At first I felt a slight feeling of terror. They were gone. All of it. The only proof I ever had that he ever loved me. And then I started to think about it. What the fuck do I need it for? It's not doing anything for me. It will never mean anything to me in the future. It really didn't mean anything to me now, besides the fact I hate letting things go. But I did it. And I feel good. Next will be the boxes and boxes of pictures. I feel the need to purge these things. It was four years ago today I left him. I was so terrified. I cried and cried not knowing if I was doing the right thing. I look at my life now, so different, so full. So easy. Back then I simply had no idea how to live.
|
