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I'm
I am not sleeping well. I wake up to use the bathroom all night long and have a hard time getting comfortable. Whenever I am given too many hours in a row to do nothing, I think too much. I analyze everything in my life starting from first grade till present day. It's nuts. Last night I started reflecting on this diary. I started from page one and read all the way through. I am so glad I was so honest with my feelings, even if I felt ashamed at times while writing it. Like a failure. Perfect strangers have given me better advice than my local friends over the years. It's priceless. I felt as if I had gone back in time. I can remember writing each and every entry. It seems like forever ago I moved into my apartment. The first time in my life I lived alone and damn did I love it. That may be because I knew it was a temporary situation. That may be because I had the love and support of my hubby who was waiting for me to step outside of my apartment and into his arms forever, and I knew it. He wanted to marry me about a month after we started dating. He said he knew I was the angel he'd been waiting for all of his life, he had just never seen the face in his dreams. It sounded corny at the time, but he meant it. The first six months I lived in my wonderful apartment were tough. I had to adjust to my new life and my new found independence. While it was all my choice, the loss of my first marriage took it's toll on me. I can't remember a time when I cried more. I didn't think that pain would ever go away, but it has. The pain of losing what was normal and comfortable to me, not so much the loss of a the person. I didn't realize it then, but I do now. I never had him to begin with, so there was nothing to lose. After reading all of my entries last night, I am amazed I no longer ache over the loss of my fifteen year relationship. I don't care about my ex-husband. I don't care where he is, what he's doing, who he's with, if he's ok, none of it. He never even naturally enters my mind. Don't get me wrong- if the chance came up to sting him in some way, I'd jump all over it, but that's just my bitter side coming out. He's a loser and I'm not. Plain and simple. Now I am about to have a baby with the love of my life. Over the years I have grown to love him more and more. My life is simple, and so easy. Our personalities are so much alike that we just get along. We laugh so much. I don't know what I would have without him. My life would be so empty. I don't update much. Maybe I will once I am off of bedrest and able to make the most of my days once again. I don't know what my life is going to be like once the baby comes, but I can only imagine it will continue to get better and better. Now if I could only get my fucking fruit back on this page, I would be the happiest chick around town. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
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