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I'm
I am either not cut out to raise two children or my hormones are a little out of whack. Here's what's been going down in my house over the last two weeks. -I yelled at older son who will be three next month. When I say yelled I mean I screamed at the top of my lungs for him to stay in his bed or I would make him stand in the corner of the basement all by himself. He was screaming crying "No No No". That was so cruel. -I find myself reminising about the days I lived alone in my apartment. The ability to have peace and quiet makes me yearn to turn back the hands of time. Then I look at my children and start crying for having such thoughts. My hubby said if my life was so wonderful alone in my tiny apartment I would of stayed there. He's right. I did however tell him I was feeling a little bit like getting in my car and driving for days without coming back. He said I'd better take my bike as my car is in his name. Oops. -Hubby is so patient and never loses his cool. I actually found myself glaring at him last night when after an hour of older boy getting out of bed he was STILL using a soft voice and not even sweating. What's up with that? -Why I said this I don't know, but I did so I will own up to it. Me- "I am just now beginning to realize this is the best my life is ever going to be. This fucking hell hole of an existance is what I have to call my own till I am dead. I have no choices, I have no options, I have nothing but a house full of screaming children and a husband who is only concerned about whether or not I am using swear words when I am screaming at the top of my lungs that I hate my life". Where that came from I don't know but I somehow felt so much better after I said it and then proceeded to go up to our room, slam the door, and go to bed. -The other day I looked at our Christmas tree and started crying thinking about how shitty my past Christmas's used to be with the ex-idiot. He typically never even bought me a gift. He did however manage to splurge on himself every chance he got. My hubby now wouldn't buy himself a new pair of shoe strings if he didn't have to, but he would buy the world for me. Why I was crying I'm not sure, but I was crying pretty fucking hard. So hard I really couldn't stop for a little bit. What the hell? -I had a happy hour night planned with some friends the other day and at the last minute I tried to cancel. The reason why was I was once again crying. Lord knows why but I was sitting at the dining room window just looking outside bawling like a fucking moron. I sat there and sat there crying and then my hubby called from work to see how I was doing. Big mistake on his part, poor fella. I started screaming over the phone that I really felt like I hated my life and how could I be so stupid to get into another relationship where my life was so miserable I wanted to stab my eyes out with a fork so I wouldn't have to look at what I called my happy home any longer. He said I needed medication and I proceeded to say he needed to listen to the words I was saying before I found someone else would and hung up on him. He HATES to be hung up on. Why, I don't know, as he has done nothing wrong. I ended up going to happy hour and having a great time, puffy eyes and all, only to wake up the next day with the stomach flu. Payback for me being such a fucking bitch. Let me get a couple things straight. I don't hate my life, I actually love it. I have the best husband in the world and two children who I adore. That's why I either think my hormones are a little goofy right now or I have severe cabin fever. I think I might try to go back to work a little early. I am scheduled to start back the last Tuesday of January but maybe I should see if I can up it a little bit. Please have pity on my spouse. He's such a good guy with a heart of gold who puts up with way more crap from me than any individual should. He never even yells at me. Just takes my abuse and tells me it will be ok. At least I haven't started smoking again. I was worried with how I have been feeling I would cave and go buy a pack. But remarkably it never even crosses my mind until I have calmed down and realized I am still a non-smoker. Thank fuck for that.
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